Each day, if I am payng attention, is the beginning. Each day something unknown can happen. A new awareness, something I didn’t know or recognize the day before. I never really know what’s going to happen. I can have a plan of where I will be, time on the clock as the guide, but Of course I really don’t know where or how the day will bend, it will, life isn’t linear no matter how much I might want it to be or think it is. That’s illusory. I don’t know ahead of time how I will respond when things happen, what I will say or do, what will come from me, act or react, thoughts. I only have this very moment, this little bit to do, to decide. Over and over again. Thats how I can grow and change, adjust, adapt to whatever is.
If I want to unlearn or undo or shift away from my habitual responses, my unquestioned, unexamined thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, to admit to not knowing and being okay with the not knowing, the illusion of safety, I see I am a mystery to myself. I can step into something new.
But oh man it is a huge challenge for me to pay attention all the time so I can put down the old baggage, leave it there, to step into that something new and stay there versus stepping in and out. A glimmer of a few seconds every 10 days before slipping out.
I guess that’s why I am practicing. If I practice there is a chance.
